"HARNESS" column for Beefyboyz.com - February 2004

My boyfriend is into SM but I don't like pain

This month's question is: "I know that my boyfriend likes SM (sado-masochist) sex, but I'm scared to try it because I don't like pain. What should I do?"

I have five answers to your question which will hopefully put your mind at ease:

1) Who says that you have to like SM sex?
We're all different: some people like fucking, being tied up, or fantasy role play, and some don't. If you don't like SM, then don't worry - sex is meant to be a positive thing and there are lots of other ways you can please each other.

2) If your boyfriend is genuinely into SM then he will know that a central principle of SM sex is CONSENT.
No matter how hard or rough a scene is all parties should consent throughout. If you haven't given your consent for SM then he shouldn't force the issue or take you any further than you are willing to go.

3) Just because someone likes SM does not mean that they want to have SM sex with their partner.
Lots of guys find that they can be rough with tricks or friends, but not with someone with whom they are in love. Even couples that start off with a SIR/ boy relationship may find that it evolves over time into something more mutual and affectionate.

4) There are lots of people who are into SM without even realising it.
Have you ever slapped someone's arse while fucking them? That's corporal punishment. Have you held someone's hands behind their back or tied their wrists together? That's bondage. Have you ever held your breath just before you orgasm? That's breath control. Have you tried sex where you do whatever the other person says? That's a Dominant/ submissive relationship. Don't be scared by the fancy titles we give these activities, you might find that you're already doing them.

5) SM doesn't have to involve pain.
Sure, there are some activities which can be very painful but there are others which involve no pain at all. A gentle flogging can feel like a back massage. Bondage will restrict your movement but shouldn't hurt (unless a restraint is too tight). Wearing a dog collar and calling someone "SIR" for the evening might hurt your pride but nothing else. Fisting is often said to be part of SM but can be very intimate and gentle. It's possible that your boyfriend is not into pain either - so don't assume that's what he's into.

Have fun, and look after yourselves and the people you play with.

John Pendal
International Mr Leather 2003